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Fred: Do you

Fred: Do you like the dictionary I bought you for your birthday? Harry: Sure. It’s a great present but I just can’t find the words to thank you enough.

An elderly woman had just returned to her home

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house. Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, “STOP! Acts 2:38!” (“Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.”) As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody. As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, “Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse.” “Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an axe and two 38′s!”

Did you hear about the idiot

Did you hear about the idiot who invented the one-piece jigsaw puzzle?’

Dentist: There goes the only woman I ever

Dentist: There goes the only woman I ever loved. Assistant: Why don’t you marry her? Dentist: I can’t afford to. She’s my best patient.

There was this truck driver who had to

There was this truck driver who had to deliver 500 penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, his truck breaks down. After about 3 hours, he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him. The next day the original truck driver arrives in town and sees the new truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him. The original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks, “What’s going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!” The new truck driver responds, “I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we’re going to see a movie.”

Janet came home from school and asked

Janet came home from school and asked her mother if the aerosol spray in the kitchen was hair lacquer. “No,” said Mom. “It’s glue.” “I thought so,” said Janet. “I wondered why I couldn’t get my hat off today.”

Q: What does Bill Clinton

Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents? A: Absolutely nothing.

Waiter: Why are you taking so long

Waiter: Why are you taking so long to order? Diner: I can’t decide whether I want heartburn or nausea.

Waiter: I'm

Waiter: I’m sorry to keep you waiting. Your soup will be ready soon. Customer: What bait are you using?